x-ray vision

[devi]

I had The Fear last night. By which I mean that I found myself lying there in the dark, staring crazily at the ceiling and viciously scratching my head till it bled, my brain spinning down and down into ever greater depths of angst. Why last night, I don't know. Yesterday was great in many ways: end of term, won argument with shop assistant over Matt's shoes, Thai food, Garden State (which I loved). But suddenly, click, off went the light and on came the usual parade of thoughts of inadequacy and restlessness and self-doubt. When I got to the old reliable "maybe this is all there is, I should stop trying to write books and resign myself to being a two-bit teacher and nothing else, I have no imagination and my only skill is regurgitating simple facts", I knew there was nothing else for it but to get up and medicate myself with hot fruit tea and the internet.

On which I found a message from Andy Cox at Interzone, replying to a prod I gave him last week, saying yes, they are still supporting the James White Award and are definitely going to publish my story. Which is some encouragement. But he didn't say when.

I wrote an epic whinge, then thought better of it at the last minute (sometime around 3.30 am) and didn't post it. Thank goodness, now that I read it again. Instead, a weird moment from yesterday:

Two men were sitting in Coffee Republic, both in shiny bomber jackets with buzz-cuts. They didn't particularly look like doctors, in fact they looked more like builders or rugby players - but they were holding an X-ray of someone's pelvis up to the light, pointing at parts of it, and collapsing into giggles.

Comments

[maccy.livejournal.com]

I think it's probably an occupational hazard. In my experience relentlessly self-confident writers are, without exception, terrible. Self-doubt is a necessary factor in producing good work.

There are two separate questions, I think:

1. Can I write stuff that stuff that I'm happy with?

2. Can I make a living doing it?

I think you should try and be successful and number 1 and not feel bad if number 2 doesn't seem to be happening. Actually making a living out of writing is so dependent on factors outside your control that's its not worth fretting about (and it certainly doesn't have much bearing on how good you are).

Obviously, finding the time and energy to write is tough if you have to spend most of your time making a living and that's a circle I haven't been able to square (my job still dominates my life at the moment).

But, certainly, I think it's worth riding out the bad patches and persevering - it's a long-haul commitment and it's going to feel rubbish at times but hopefully the destination will make the journey worth it.

I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you.

Good luck with the whole shebang!

[femme-letale.livejournal.com]

I completely agree! Commercial and critical success depends far more on external factors than talent. And that is one of the reasons why I decided NOT to be a professional artist. The work/creative activity balance is something that eventually gets resolved.
Solution 1, from femme_letale: Make work your creative activity difficulty 3/5(hence the PhD).
Solution 1, from neil_scott: Make your work your creative activity - difficulty 5/5 (hence The Mind's Construction magazine).

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... is your solution to pour your creativity into your day job, and Neil's to go out on a limb and start doing your own creative stuff as a day job?

[femme-letale.livejournal.com]

Precisely. We are both happy. Poorer and busier but very happy indeed.