x-ray vision

[devi]

I had The Fear last night. By which I mean that I found myself lying there in the dark, staring crazily at the ceiling and viciously scratching my head till it bled, my brain spinning down and down into ever greater depths of angst. Why last night, I don't know. Yesterday was great in many ways: end of term, won argument with shop assistant over Matt's shoes, Thai food, Garden State (which I loved). But suddenly, click, off went the light and on came the usual parade of thoughts of inadequacy and restlessness and self-doubt. When I got to the old reliable "maybe this is all there is, I should stop trying to write books and resign myself to being a two-bit teacher and nothing else, I have no imagination and my only skill is regurgitating simple facts", I knew there was nothing else for it but to get up and medicate myself with hot fruit tea and the internet.

On which I found a message from Andy Cox at Interzone, replying to a prod I gave him last week, saying yes, they are still supporting the James White Award and are definitely going to publish my story. Which is some encouragement. But he didn't say when.

I wrote an epic whinge, then thought better of it at the last minute (sometime around 3.30 am) and didn't post it. Thank goodness, now that I read it again. Instead, a weird moment from yesterday:

Two men were sitting in Coffee Republic, both in shiny bomber jackets with buzz-cuts. They didn't particularly look like doctors, in fact they looked more like builders or rugby players - but they were holding an X-ray of someone's pelvis up to the light, pointing at parts of it, and collapsing into giggles.

Comments

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

Don't they? I'd have assumed they did. And I can't imagine why people think of me as one.

But... I don't think I worded any of that terribly well. There was all sorts of gunk swirling round my head. The worry about having no talent was just part of a more general dislike of myself. I feel like I've turned into a dry, middle-aged, mousy, hesitant, timid frump of a person, when what I really want to be doing is jumping for joy and crying when I need to, having adventures, having ideas that go on like lightbulbs in my head... screaming into the infinite abyss, even.

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

Dumping letters on the street for postage out of your control and adapting an existing media form for the new medium of the blogosphere (yer Choose Your Own Adventure On Your Blog thang) may not be as expeditious as, say, Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure, or Walking Around Ireland With A Fridge, but they're more imaginitive than the fun that most people get up to - more imaginitive than most of the Happening Young Things on LiveJournal, if you ask me. (Which you didn't.)

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And if all goes well, there should be more Gormanesque hijinks early next year. Stay tuned :)