Disjointed bits:

[devi]

Last night I went to kesstrel's for Heathers and enthusiasm soup, and when I left to walk up the hill everything was silent and frozen, with an almost-full moon shining, and some weird compulsion made me draw stars and faces and things with my finger on car windscreens, the tops of wheely bins, and any other flat surface I could see that had snow on it.

That morning on my way to the bus I'd passed another windscreen with "ZAPPA!" written across it in the snow.

*

I'd been worrying that he'd been locked up in a detention centre for illegal aliens and not made it to America at all, but verlaine just phoned from Miami. Apparently triple-breasted women swim around town totally naked, but he can't get on LJ because his local library has declared it to be "tasteless".

*

It was a day of small embarrassments.

I teach this boy GCSE English. This is the demanding one I've ranted to some of you about, who rings me up at all hours of the night to ask me to set him essays. Last week he asked if I'd give him an extra half-hour each week. Fine, I said. That would be an extra x quid. "No, free," he said, "as a favour. All my other tutors agreed happily to do it." Hmm, said I, I dunno. This week he asked again. I said I was quite skint and couldn't just go around handing out free half-hours that I could be spending earning money. Or going home for a rest. (I might have done it if I liked the kid, but something about him always puts me on edge.)

He got his dad in to back him up. Dad makes me even edgier than Kid. "All the others are very pleased to do it," he said, "and they live further away than you." I still said no. "Well, then," said Dad sulkily, sounding younger than his son, "one hour, not a single minute more, if you want to be like that." He flounced out. I was expecting him to kick something on his way.

I went to the tube, alternately feeling triumphant and brooding that maybe I was a horrible person (am I? Answers on a postcard, please), and in mid-brood completely failed to recognise eviltwinemma. Her hair is short and red and I've hardly seen her since 2001 when my hair was blue, but still. Duh.

Then I timed my return home perfectly so I could run into Mad Claire Downstairs in the hall as she was going out. She smiled a stretched smile that clearly pained her. "I haven't seen you in a while," she tinkled laboriously. "No indeed," said I, and went on up the stairs.

*

Can I have a new womb, please? Do they sell them on eBay?

*

Oh, the fun of dropping letters for postwodehouse.com. The thrill of standing behind things and watching people examining them, or ignoring them. Today I dropped three in the Science Museum and two in the Natural History Museum. Last I saw them, one was being treated as suspicious by a security guard, who seemed to be scanning it with some sort of raygun thing. Another was snatched up almost as soon as I dropped it, which was cool, because I'd put it in front of an ecology display which announced that we were connected to all other living things. Another, sadly, was being repeatedly trodden on.

I think I'm going to update the site every week from now on. I'll try to incorporate some sort of experiment blog. A lot of you seemed quite interested to see how it progressed, so I was thinking of setting up a mailing list to notify people when an update's been done. If you'd like to be on it, put your email in the box. I won't spam your inbox; in fact I won't mail you more than once a week, promise.

[Poll #443184]

And miss_newham, of course you can have another go.

Comments

[miss-newham.livejournal.com]

I don't deserve another go. But still happy my letter made it into the paper, if not to me. You can have my womb, I wasn't really using it much anyway. If it doesn't fit, you may hit the twattish student and his twatty twattish dad with it.

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

*Splat!* *Splat!* "Ow!"

Oh my. (Hey, laughing seems to help.)

[miss-newham.livejournal.com]

I have asked tjej if she will be able to perform a womb transplant for us. "Well, I have a sharp knife," she says.

Don't untie the ties that bind

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

You'll need some gaffer tape (http://www.exposure.co.uk/eejit/gaffer/) as well.
Hell, you always need gaffer tape.

Re: Don't untie the ties that bind

[tubewalker.livejournal.com]

Oh god you do always need gaff tape, I fixed my bath for 5 months duration with gaff tape.

Re: Don't untie the ties that bind

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

And I fixed a cracked shower tray with it a couple of weeks ago.
And it's holding my car together. And probably my sanity.

[mooism.livejournal.com]

If they’d given you a reason why you should give them extra time for free, maybe you should have considered it. But no, they’re just trying to walk over you.

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

The only incentive they could offer was that they'd keep me on for his A-levels too. "What do you charge at A-level, by the way?" Kid said. "A fiver more than now," said I. "A whole fiver?" his expression said.

[mooism.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the sort of customer you should sack, if you can afford to.

[thecesspit.livejournal.com]

Not worth your time dude. Your in for business, you can be helpful, polite and do that bit extra, but a constant half hour with no real incentive? Life is too short. Bet he's tried the same with everyone else...

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

I suspected that he's told each tutor "all my other tutors agreed", yeah.

[smiorgan.livejournal.com]

Shocking. If they think you should work for free, then that's probably how much value they put on your teaching. You are absolutely doing the right thing by sticking to your guns.

Lessons don't have to cost money but they shouldn't be free. In the old days, I teach you something, you paint my house, bake me a cake or buy me a pint. Expecting a stranger, and a professional, to give up their time gratis? What is the world coming to?

[secretrebel.livejournal.com]

It's completely outrageous. You're providing a service, lessons for cash. Why on earth should he get lessons for free? Why? It makes no sense. What a jerk.

I mean if he was seriously poor he could maybe ask is there was any chance of a discount, or promise to pay for a whole course in advance but why should you give up your livelihood for him?

::shakes head::

[lathany.livejournal.com]

"No" was definitely the right answer. It was out of line to even ask, let alone expect you to agree.

[barrysarll.livejournal.com]

I quite agree.

[thedancingfairy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no way should you be expected to provide a service for free unless there is a good reason ie they have no mmoney and you're much more inclinded to help people you actually like. Gee. At least you stuck to you morals.

[mooism.livejournal.com]

You can’t buy wombs on ebay, but there is a knitting pattern (http://knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html) available for free. Although it’s “not completely anatomically accurate”.

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

Right, that's it, I'm knitting myself a whole new set of organs.

Awww! So cute! Look at the ickle ovaries!

[mooism.livejournal.com]

Er, but don’t replace your hair, please.

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

Hair is one of the easiest bits to replace with wool, though. It's things like spleens and gallbladders and eyes that'll be tricky...

This reminds me of Matt's poll about replacing your eye with a boiled egg.

[mooism.livejournal.com]

Matt was going to replace my eye with a boiled egg?!

I don’t think woollen pseudohair would be as pretty as the hair you already have. Woollen pseudoeyes also. (Note: For sake of discussion I am assuming that woollen organs would be at least as functional as the organs they replaced.)

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

I thank you. But I also refer you to toxicbunny's icon, which is me with wool hair which I think looks rather nice. If very silly.

(Though it wasn't attached to me, I was just in Slimelight and stole someone else's wig for the picture.)

[mooism.livejournal.com]

That’s wool? I always thought it was generic wig (dyed blue-green).

Someone is now going to say that generic wigs are made out of wool, and I will feel very silly.

[ar-gemlad.livejournal.com]

I wish my womb could play the piano...

[vardebedian.livejournal.com]

He's trying it on, you're quite right to tell him to bugger off.

Unrelatedly, can you tell me when LTKIB appears in Interzone so I can buy a copy? Ta.

[ravenblack.livejournal.com]

Answers on a postcard, please.

I was considering sending you a postcard with just the URL of this post and the word 'no' on it, but then I realised I probably don't still have your address lurking anywhere, and I don't have a postcard, and to send a postcard I'd have to go outside, and it wouldn't be *much* more entertaining than just commenting that I thought about doing so. So here is an imaginary version.

QUEEN
HEAD

http://www.livejournal.com/users/bluedevi/84505.html


No.

bluedevi
Wherever she lives
I think it's in London
The one in England, yeah?
PO5T C0DE

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

That's great. I think it's probably conceptual art.

[ravenblack.livejournal.com]

It probably took me longer to get that layout just right than it would have to get your address and a postcard and go to the post-office. But I think it ended up being funnier than the physical postcard would have been, so that's okay. And I didn't have to go outside, which is the important thing.

postcards

[erming.livejournal.com]

BTW I accidentally dropped a stamped adressed postcard in West Berlin (it was snowing and my hands were numb, so when I found a postbox I suddenly found I wasn't carrying a postcard).

Someone walked on it, as it had a boot mark on it, but some kind soul found it and carried it to a postbox, as it arrived at my mate's shortly just before I apologised to him for dropping his postcard.

[flats.livejournal.com]

Planet Angel: I've been feeling a bit manky these last couple of days, so I'm not 100% that I'll be feeling danceable this [Friday] evening. Am guessing you get comments emailed to you - will let you know by email somehow, but otherwise I'm waiting for you to get back to me about rendevouz times and so on. I will be up for it if physically possible, honest!

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

I'll send you a text so you have my number. Hope you feel better soon!

I don't know many good pubs in London Bridge, so I might have to resort to about 9pm in the Barrowboy & Banker or somewhere. I'll let you know...