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Meet Alive!, the Monthly Catholic Newspaper, found at the back of my home village church in Ireland. Alive! loves priests, nuns, saints, religious cards, unborn babies, haranguing women on their way into abortion clinics, encouraging the Third World to have as many kids as possible, Lord of the Rings, and having a heart brimming over with the love and joy of the Lord (not the same Lord). It hates the EU, environmental campaigners, the EU, contraception, Philip Pullman (of course), the EU, transsexuals, Hillary Clinton, 'Mum and Dad role reversal', gay marriage, the EU, all other newspapers, and contraception. It hates any organisation or ideology with even the most tenuous connection to contraception, which I think is the main reason it hates the EU (what, there are other issues that matter? What nonsense!)

The full photo set is here. But here are some highlights:

Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by "various groups from population controllers to green campaigners... using the issue to push their own dubious agendas". Like contraception. Also, EU moves to destroy jobs and cripple our economy!

Alive! responds to its detractors in the media, part 1. Top part of article here ("Who wrecked Roisin's head?"). Plus, liberal agenda aims to destroy society.

Bottom part here. "A girl would have to have a well-wrecked head to oppose respect for natural and lifelong marriage or to think that violence against unborn children was ok." Plus, article about the ridiculous case of a man who "wants to have his procreative organs amputated, to dress like a woman and call himself Susie". Heavens!

Alive! responds to its detractors in the media, parts 2 and 3. The Irish Times is happy to call MTF transsexuals "she", "even if it means bending the truth... What a paper!" Irish Independent also indulges in "cynical, empty mockery".

A coffee shop at the gates of hell! "After seeing pictures of the developing baby and hearing of the possible aftermath of abortion Josephine knew that she couldn't live with herself if she had her baby killed..." Note that you can support it with money or with prayer and sacrifice.

Scathing critique of The Golden Compass: "One of the supporting characters in the story, Dr. Mary Malone, is a former nun who, as Vere points out, 'abandoned her vocation to pursue sex and science'."

Lord of the Rings "is a fundamentally Catholic work"

"Children are a country's future, yet EU development funds intended for Africa routinely demand population control programmes aimed at reducing the number of babies who are born..."

"Different girls were coming and going nearly every night, and people I didn't even know were doing lines of cocaine in the sitting room. If anyone had told at that time [sic] that I would soon join the Legion of Mary, I would have laughed at them."

I'm so down with the kids that I say 'Chow' [sic] instead of goodbye!

Humour column: "Dumbag" the little red devil utterly fails to stay in his persona of demon and tempter, breaking into strange glossolalia about "the fountain of life and joy" and declaring he "needs a nervous breakdown". D minus. Go read The Screwtape Letters and see me after class.

Also look out for the adverts. For example: "Holy Face books for reparation, also medals for same. 5 fold scapulars white, brown, black, blue, red." I'll have a multipack.

Oh, my.

Date: 2007-12-27 06:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] parallelgirl.livejournal.com
It is its own satire, isn't it?

Re: Oh, my.

Date: 2007-12-27 07:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
I love the way it's almost indistinguishable in tone from this parody site (http://objectiveministries.org/) [livejournal.com profile] mzdt pointed me at a couple of months ago.

Re: Oh, my.

Date: 2007-12-28 09:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mzdt.livejournal.com
I just don't know what's real any more.

A man on Radio 4 said that global warming was actually a middle class conspiracy, to take the 4x4s from the upper class and the cheap flights off the lower class, out of spite. It's just as true...

Re: Oh, my.

Date: 2007-12-28 09:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] parallelgirl.livejournal.com
*holds hands aloft, jaw dropped, and just looks at you, speechless*

Re: Oh, my.

Date: 2007-12-28 01:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Climate change deniers make Tempin' Bear cry.

Damn

Date: 2007-12-27 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anam-uk.livejournal.com
I gave up religion(*) for sex & science, I only got one though and you can guess which.

(*) Mostly, giving up Catholicism is somewhat tricky, I find myself at mass at least once a year.

Re: Damn

Date: 2007-12-27 07:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Oh, but doesn't science keep you warm at night?

If I was still on Mono my nameline would now be "pursuing sex and science".

Re: Damn

Date: 2007-12-27 07:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anam-uk.livejournal.com
ohh if that's all there is too it then I guess I'm happy
(deleted comment)

Re: Damn

Date: 2007-12-28 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Mwahahaha!

Date: 2007-12-27 07:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nonhae.livejournal.com
My house is one of the 342,000 it's delivered to. And just in case we miss it mum picks it up. Bad and all as it is, it pointed me in the direction of articles on contraception. Kinda. Which amused me.

Date: 2007-12-27 07:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Yeah... I love finding good stuff by seeing it get slated by publications or people I know I disagree with, and realising that if they hate it I'll probably love it.

Date: 2007-12-27 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cardinalsin.livejournal.com
Dude, you spent way too long reading that.

Date: 2007-12-27 11:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Guilty as charged. But, y'know, I just couldn't look away.

Date: 2007-12-28 12:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cardinalsin.livejournal.com
Heh, it's surprising how hard it is not to read what crazy people write. And not just because of the sheer volume of crazy-person-authored material.

Date: 2007-12-28 12:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] absinthecity.livejournal.com
looks like a fabulous read. Could you sort me out with a subscription??

Date: 2007-12-28 08:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caescarna.livejournal.com
A subscription for me too please. I'm used to paying for entertainment like that, next time you're back in Ireland, can you hook me up please? :)

Date: 2007-12-28 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] braisedbywolves.livejournal.com
My standard view is that anything that hates Philip Pullman can't be all bad, but yeah okay, just this once...
Edited Date: 2007-12-28 12:18 am (UTC)

Date: 2007-12-28 01:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Some enemies of your enemies are not necessarily your friends.

Date: 2007-12-28 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stiofan.livejournal.com
People scare the fuck out of me sometimes, this is one of those occasions. This is almost 2008, what drives these people ??

Date: 2007-12-28 01:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Writing this stuff distracts them from thinking about their filthy urges to shag everything in sight?

Date: 2007-12-28 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stiofan.livejournal.com
I'd not rule it out :)

Date: 2007-12-28 04:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] undyingking.livejournal.com
So who did wreck Roisin's head? Inquiring minds demand to know (and to not try and read the article off the scan).

Date: 2007-12-28 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Why, the Permissive Society, of course. She says it was wrecked by reading Alive! with her morning coffee, but her head was wrecked long before that, despite the best efforts of the lovely nuns at her school.

I find the experience of all this is enhanced by reading it to yourself in the voices of Father Ted characters. (And it's quite legible if you click on the photos! :) )

Date: 2007-12-29 12:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] undyingking.livejournal.com
the experience of all this is enhanced by reading it to yourself in the voices of Father Ted characters

That's true of all kinds of things. Maybe even most kinds of things.

Date: 2007-12-28 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bateleur.livejournal.com
I particularly love the way the liberal agenda apparently involves advancing the ideas of Margaret Thatcher.

I hereby award that article the Golden Wut??! for 2007.

Date: 2007-12-29 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spyinthehaus.livejournal.com
"If [the EU] respects African people, why does it work to have fewer of them?"

Oh.

Wow.

Gosh.

On the plus side, I think Holy Facebook is a good idea whose time has come.

Date: 2008-01-01 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Indeed. What bolt-on applications would it have? Perhaps an automated confessional?

Date: 2008-01-02 01:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spyinthehaus.livejournal.com
HolyKitty82 has prayed for you.

Pray back/ Ignore?


Date: 2007-12-31 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wyvernfriend.livejournal.com
It occasionally arrives on my doorstep.

My uncle occasionally passes it on to my parents. I have looked at it, what wrecked my head was their complaint about the sauna in the EU Parliament building being open to both sexes and "clothing optional". And? This was something to be worried about?

[livejournal.com profile] grutok regards it as good lining paper. It almost automatically goes into the bin

Date: 2008-01-01 01:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluedevi.livejournal.com
Oh dear oh dear. These people have obviously never been in a sauna, or they'd know that it's impossible to engage in anything sexual in one because you're too busy gasping, feeling the inside of your nose heat up, and melting into the benches.

And even if MEPs were gettin' it on like crazed weasels in the EU Parliament sauna, more power to them, I say. It'd destress them for work.

Date: 2008-01-02 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] verlaine.livejournal.com
It's clearly someone's duty to start up a rival publication called "Dead!"...

Happy new year!

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