x-ray vision

[devi]

I had The Fear last night. By which I mean that I found myself lying there in the dark, staring crazily at the ceiling and viciously scratching my head till it bled, my brain spinning down and down into ever greater depths of angst. Why last night, I don't know. Yesterday was great in many ways: end of term, won argument with shop assistant over Matt's shoes, Thai food, Garden State (which I loved). But suddenly, click, off went the light and on came the usual parade of thoughts of inadequacy and restlessness and self-doubt. When I got to the old reliable "maybe this is all there is, I should stop trying to write books and resign myself to being a two-bit teacher and nothing else, I have no imagination and my only skill is regurgitating simple facts", I knew there was nothing else for it but to get up and medicate myself with hot fruit tea and the internet.

On which I found a message from Andy Cox at Interzone, replying to a prod I gave him last week, saying yes, they are still supporting the James White Award and are definitely going to publish my story. Which is some encouragement. But he didn't say when.

I wrote an epic whinge, then thought better of it at the last minute (sometime around 3.30 am) and didn't post it. Thank goodness, now that I read it again. Instead, a weird moment from yesterday:

Two men were sitting in Coffee Republic, both in shiny bomber jackets with buzz-cuts. They didn't particularly look like doctors, in fact they looked more like builders or rugby players - but they were holding an X-ray of someone's pelvis up to the light, pointing at parts of it, and collapsing into giggles.

Comments

[bateleur.livejournal.com]

But suddenly, click, off went the light and on came the usual parade of thoughts of inadequacy and restlessness and self-doubt.

I know I'm going to sound like someone's dad saying this (hey - I am someone's dad), but it's a really bad idea to think about things when you need sleep.

On some level I've always known this, but when you look after toddlers you see what a fundamental truth it is: tired people get upset, irritable and are generally completely broken.

[This entry brought to you by the I-Need-Sleep Hypocrisy Society]

[bluedevi.livejournal.com]

I knew I wasn't going to get any useful thinking done, yes... that's where the net and the tea came in. It didn't quite work, since I ended up whinging into a notepad file anyway rather than distracting myself, but at least it tired me out so I could go to sleep properly.

[elethe.livejournal.com]

I think you are already on the ladder. You are writing and you are trying to get somewhere with it. And you have an award and someone potentially interested in representing you.

You are doing fine so far. It's natural to panic.

Without self-doubt you [one] wouldn't be able to push yourself [oneself] to greater things.

Perhaps one of the main goals in life is making other people envious.